My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Randomize
