The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
