when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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