Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
