I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
