You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
