u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
