I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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