So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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