he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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