I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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