Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
