she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
