so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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