He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
