So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have aggressive nipples.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
