God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
