Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
