at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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