I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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