I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
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