Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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