The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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