wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
