i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
