i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
