It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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