The maid of honor just puked.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
