You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
