cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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