The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
