The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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