my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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