Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
