I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
