I just pynch a tree in the face
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
