youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
