I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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