Who wears a wallet chain?!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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