If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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