Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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