tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
