I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
