wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
