I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Small penises have feelings too.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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