y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think my moral compass just broke
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