in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
