Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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