I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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