It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
